Heartbreak, Love, Pain, Regret

Drunk Dial

I’ll just
turn off the computer
before I do
something
really stupid, like
e-mail you again, when
I know, I really do know
that you
have no interest
in me
anymore or
need for me or
spark that
lights up when
you see anything
from me and
you haven’t even read
the last ones
but just
sent them into
firewall misery
burst into
ether digital flames
so why do I want
so, so badly,
just to tell you
that I miss you and
I think about you
every time I see that
stupid courtyard, every day,
and I check
to see whether
you still
list yourself
as single, but
what does that
matter anyways
you can’t
even look at me
not even digitally, anymore,
and
I’m just
a fading memory
of a silly time when
you lost your head
for just a bit, and
did things
you don’t ever
want to do again,
at least
not with
or because of
me.
Thank God
I deleted your number
and can’t
be so stupid
as to actually call.

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Courage, Death, Empathy, Healing, Home, Judaism, Miracles, People

Today’s Miracle

So why do you care?
the young one asked me.
Why do you keep doing this?
And I told him,
Because every time I show up
I either learn something
I needed
to grow spiritually, or
I help someone who needed
to be helped, or
I make some connection
that needed to happen.

Or sometimes, I get a day
like today,
when I had all three.
Because I showed up
the night before
another single woman
she could talk to
alone since her husband
of half a century
died just four months ago
she had someone
to sit with, someone
to say, hope to see you
tomorrow morning
at a time of joy.

She found me today
and thanked me
told her I gave her strength
to return.
Knowing that I wanted
her there
gave her the courage
to brave the cold
and make the journey.
I helped her, she said,
but she was my miracle today
and its people like her
who make my world
brighter, every time.

Courage, Family, Friends, Healing, Heartbreak, Home, Hope, Journeys, Judaism, Love, Miracles, New Paths, Pain, Regret, Truth

Never

My friend and shaman
once said to me
that “never” is the signpost,
the gateway to finding out
exactly what it is that you
most fear, and most need to do.
My nevers, fallen by the wayside.

I said I’d never marry young
and never before travelling the world.
I said I’d never lose myself
become an appendage of someone else’s life.

I said I’d never be dependent
too scared to leave and stand on my own.
I said I’d never get divorced
never be my parents, never leave or be left.

I said I’d never be the other woman
never put myself in that weak, dark place.
I said I’d never be single for years
that I’d never be lonely, or travel alone.

I said I’d never fall in love with a man of my own faith
that I just didn’t resonate with them.
I said I’d never be religious
and spend hours a week in prayer.

I said I’d never show up at his door
never push to go where I’m not wanted.
I said I’d never stop reading his words
never give up that last bit of one-sided conversation.

I said I’d never talk about this openly
never tell anyone my story of love and pain.
I said I’d never show anyone my poetry
never let my emotions show to the world.

Each never
a bridge to becoming
the person
I’m scared to
I need to be
and having lived
through my short-sightedness
my blindness to my path
the light shines brightly
in my eyes now
on the open road ahead.