Monastery

Before you, he said
with a wry grin and wide
honest but still playful eyes
I was in a monastery.
I was a monk, cloistered
from the world, and
no woman captured my heart
or stole my smile
or lay grinning, naked with me
or held me, before you.
I was in a monastery, he joked.
And of course, so was I.
But the pictures and the scars
from our imagined other lives
we lived, before meeting,
tell a different story.
The people we still love and
the baggage we still carry is
sometimes, too honest.
Let’s keep it simple.
Let’s keep it sweet.
Before you, it was a monastery
because before you, I was caged
and you have set my heart free.

Wife

Good questions.

Cytherean Dreams

Wasn’t that
what you prayed for?
Fervently hoping
that God would
send you a wife
and partner
who could stand
by you, with you
and travel this
lifetime on your path?
Wasn’t that your dream?
So why, then,
do you hate
your gift?
Because I’m older
not someone you
can mold like clay?
Because I’m outspoken
and will tell you
what you need to hear
whether you want
truth or not?
Because I’m passionate
and love you with
a burning intensity
that could light your fire
that you fear so much?
I’m on my own path,
what could have been
our path
and I know no one
can join me here
save you.

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Missing

The spiral continues…I’m where I was, but moved up to a higher level.

Cytherean Dreams

I’m missing something
some action, some piece
that will fall
into place, snapping
surely and securely
to make my life
steady and grounded
again
with the new whole
more honest and
loving and true
than what I had
before.
I need that peace
that piece
of me.

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Anonymity

Still safe, still hidden
even as I step
into the light
protected in
shielded by
the utter lack of reality
of any physical act
that anyone could see
could point to later
and say, see
here’s where he crossed
the unforgivable line.
Don’t fear my honesty.
Your truth is purity
and you shine even brighter
when I speak
even in anonymity.

Alone

A random post from the past that’s perfect for today.

Cytherean Dreams

The great irony
of my life
is my fear of
being alone, that
I will never have
a true partner
will never be able
to be honest and
have someone else
share my life.
And yet
I work, every day
every hour
every time my head swims
at being alone,
so I can hear
myself
and know my
own thoughts
my feelings
while the echoes of him
pierce my heart
cloud my head.
I laughed when I saw it.
To be alone now
I have to work at it.
And I have no fear
because I’ve found
and I will never be
was never at all
alone.

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Daily Prompt – Playlist for the Week

Daily Prompt – Tell us how your week went by putting together a playlist of five songs that represent it.

Dashboard Confessional: Hands Down

Imagine Dragons: On Top of the World

Straylight Run: Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

Ingrid Michaelson: Take Me The Way I Am

Two Door Cinema Club: He Sleeps Alone

Disappear

If you disappear tomorrow,
you’re part of the pantheon still
I said, knowing that my life
was good before and
would be good again even
if all I had from this
momentous week was
memories, going forward,
if he decided I
was too intense, too much,
and disappeared
back into the mists
he came from,
feeling strong then
as I said those words.
But weak now, eyes puffy
from my night that before
would have been wonderful
but now was just lonely and
I found out how much harder
it is to live where I was
knowing what could be instead.

Sit

It’s not me
to let the emotions seep
and percolate
through my soul.
I’d rather dig and
pressure the world
to change to my liking.
No more. Not this year.
This year, I will sit
and be honest
about who I am, and
how I feel, who I love,
and hope that they stop
and sit next to me,
for a while.
I will sit
to let the fear subside
and build trust
that I am capable and controlled.
I will learn patience
and be the master
of my urges to push.
And when the time comes,
I will stand
and take my place
in light and love.