Chakra energy, Courage, Healing, Journeys, New Paths, Pain, Truth

Before You

I was triumphant then, flying

carried aloft newfound freedom.

I was abundant then, flowing

ripeness gushing open heart.

I was fearless then, unknowing

ignorant of pain, doubt.

I was bold and brash then, leaping

into brave new opportunities.

I am old and hurting now, limping

pains shooting in aching joints.

I am morose and moody now, knowing

you didn’t want me, not even at my peak.

I am fierce and fed up now, unwilling

to forget or stay silent or shrink.

And I will be me again, returning

to what was me before finding you.

A phoenix reborn.

A goddess healed.

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Healing, Heartbreak, Journeys, Judaism, Pain, Truth

Without Asking

You don’t have to ask.
I’ve already forgiven
what you did, many

Years ago, fading
deep misty subconscious fears
of throwing open

The bright burning
connection that should stay closed
or I might just go

Mad with too much heart
too much of everything turned
to scorched, ruined ash.

I like my life now.
So I forgive you, truly.
And leave you behind.

Empathy, Healing, Home, Journeys, Love, Marriage, Pain, People

Three AM

3 am insomnia 

listening to the sounds of breathing

my husband, the cars outside in doppler exhalation,

wondering if wakefulness will be

my new curse, my new normal 

here in this new and old place

where what was once normal

is now shattered,

where I can drive and point

out the window and say,

there’s where we married, or say,

there’s where we broke into pieces  and 

both were true, once, but don’t really matter

anymore, years later, now that there is no more we.

I am intertwined with the breathing, instead,

as my still nearly newlywed husband reaches

his arm over, to hold me in the dark.

Death, Heartbreak, Marriage, Pain, People, Regret

broken heart

My heart has never
been this broken, as I heave
my insides into

the open toilet mouth
each spasm echoing pain
each retching sob etched

burning retinas
pictures of you from not long
ago, when we were

happy. weren’t we?
But you left me in drunken
stupidity. You

fucking asshole, prick,
leaving me more broken than
you found me. And why?

Because you want a
fucking drink, you absolute
shit. You. Left. Me. Get

that through your addled
skull. You. Left. Me. And I hope
wherever you are

You are happy now
playing with your demon thoughts
As I retch, broken.

Chakra energy, Empathy, Family, Friends, Gratitude, Healing, Home, Hope, Journeys, Judaism, Love, Miracles, New Paths, Truth

Consecration

This one helps me remember who I am.

Cytherean Dreams

You were never married,
the smiling serene rabbi said
to me. No need for a divorce
in our faith, because
he had no standing
to marry you at all
and so, in our eyes, it
didn’t really happen.
And I felt so light and free
and bouncing joyful at
this news, and was surprised
at how little I was surprised.
Because by then
I had seen a bit
a glimpse
of what consecration means
of the process and binding
the multiple ceremonies
tying families together
as a couple joins hearts
to build a home
a foundation for the community
not an island, but an oasis
a blessing to all.
I was never consecrated
had never given myself
at that deepest level
and so, not truly wed.
Not yet.

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Childhood, Family, Healing, Heartbreak, Home, Journeys, Pain, Regret

Shook

She shook in her chair,
trembling with sadness, trying
to hold in tears but not
being able to stop them
falling down her cheeks.
And then she looked at me
helpless
not knowing why she
cried, because
just a moment before
she had been so happy
finding a new home
a new service
a new leader and felt
contented, for a moment.
Until the tears came.

I knew why. I felt
the same thing, just
a month or so earlier
the first time
I had come here
like the first good date
after horrible divorce
too good, it brings tears
wringing out the pain
from the loss that hits
harder after finding
something good again.
I knew that feeling, so
I could comfort her.
Help her understand
I knew she missed
the home we had just
left, because
of your letter.

Because if we had fought
as she wanted me too
as she angrily screamed at me
and then sobbed and then
pleaded to let her
go and fix it, to talk
to you on her own, because
you loved her, didn’t you?
Because you had taught
her songs to sing? If we
had fought to stay,
at best, you
would have hated me more.

So we left.
And she shook, adult
emotions rocking
her child body. And
I held her, and helped her
and when we could,
led her back home
to where we began.

Courage, Family, Healing, Heartbreak, Home, Journeys, Love, New Paths, Pain, People

The Everything

You are the everything,
inscribed in my ring.
A song he once gave me
my young heart to sing.

I was his everything
his moon and his stars
his life in my hands
his home became ours.

But being his everything
wasn’t enough.
I drowned, suffocating
expected to stuff

My feelings, my everything
down deep inside.
I did what was expected
of me, of his bride.

So being his everything
wasn’t for me,
I know, now alone,
on this winding journey.